BREAKING NEWS: Suspect Identified in Grove Plaza Tree Falling
Updated: Dec 6, 2019
Investigations underway; culprit at large
Conclusive evidence was discovered at the scene of the Boise Holiday Tree falling early this morning. Police have identified local logger, Charles ‘Chuck’ Monax as the suspect of the Thanksgiving crime. The younger suspect's brother, Bucky Monax, was arrested on unrelated charges and has come forward with information pointing to the elder Monax as the culprit.
Lead investigator, Deputy Sheriff Bruce Powers, is confident that justice will be served. “We were stumped, at first. But now, not only do we have an admission of guilt, but CCTV footage places the suspect at the scene during the incident.”
Witnesses to the crime were deeply disturbed.
“My kids and I were just on our way to the car after watching Frozen 2,” says Sharon Willoughsby, a Sherman Hollow resident. “And all of a sudden, there’s this terrible cracking sound. My kids have been asking all week if Santa’s still coming this Christmas.”
Her son, Tommy Willoughsby, caught a glimpse of the culprit and helped first responders with initial efforts to identify the suspects. “He was small, and it looked like he was wearing a fur coat. And he must not have had braces, because he had these huge buck teeth.”
Other residents, such as retiree Vince Gerdy, are not satisfied in police efforts. “I know what war looks like and this is an attack on Christmas. If it were up to me, this no-good punk would get the chair. But my tax dollars are going to waste on a police force that can’t even track this [redacted].”
“The suspect's brother Bucky Monax, implicated him in exchange for leniency against other charges." Deputy Powers explains. “It does appear that the suspect is deeply involved in underground crime rings with branches all over the greater Boise area. We are trying to get to the root of the matter as quickly as possible.”
Police claim that additional evidence found at the home of the suspect revealed similar disruptions intended for New Year’s and Valentine’s Day. The reason, police say, was to raise awareness for Groundhog’s Day. Police are not releasing Monax’s 450-page, PETA-inspired manifesto at this time, but they have disclosed a portion of it to The Boise Times.
“Groundhogs have been treated as pests since this country was founded. Trapped, shot, and killed, these animals aren’t being given the respect they deserve. Even the name is offensive. GroundHOG? Yet we exploit them every year and disturb them from their natural hibernation cycle for Groundhog’s Day and treat them like vermin every other day of the year. It’s time to take the groundhog seriously as America’s first loggers once again!”
Friends and neighbors of Monax are disappointed, but not surprised.
“I caught them cutting the wires of my Christmas lights 2 years ago,” says Jonas Finch, 47. “They’ve been getting into trouble since grade school, and I didn’t report them. Wasn’t in the spirit of Christmas to do it.”
“They got arrested for knocking down the electric [sic] pole outside my apartment building and cutting power to the entire block last New Year’s. Totally ruined the party we were having,” says Boise State University Sophomore, Leslie Banks.
Deputy Powers encourages the public to carry on with their holiday plans, as usual. “We are doing our best to ensure everyone’s safety this holiday season.”
Police urge everyone to call with any information or sightings.
The Downtown Boise Holiday Tree Lighting has been rescheduled to this Friday, December 6th at 6PM.